Caption Competition

Any entries this time?

5-year-old groom jilts 7-year-old bride...?

A wedding between a seven-year-old girl and boy of five was stopped by police in Pakistan. Officers arrested the Muslim cleric officiating at the ceremony and the children's parents. The cleric had not yet begun the ceremony in Karachi, which was attended by 100 guests. Pakistan law forbids marriage below the age of 18, but some muslim scholars say it is permissible if the bride and groom have reached puberty. TV footage showed both children in traditional wedding clothes in the laps of policemen after the raid, the girl with tears running down her cheeks. The parents said the wedding had been arranged to end an eight-year feud between the two families.

LINK

Amusing Football Quotes

I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break a habit of a lifetime for that prat.---Ron Atkinson

England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's are also second to none.---Kevin Keegan

My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about seven.---David Beckham

After the match an official asked for two players to take a dope test. I offered the ref.---Tommy Docherty

A real Irish football fan is one who knows the nationality of every player on the Republic of Ireland team.---Jack Charlton

Southampton have beaten Brighton 3-1. That's a repeat of last year's result when Southampton won 5-1.---Des Lynam

One year I played for 15 months.---Franz Beckenbauer

We must have had 99% of the game. It was the other 3% that cost us the match.---Ruud Gullitt

The first 90 minutes of a match are most important.---Bobby Robson

It's not fair to say Lee Bowyer's a racist. He'd stamp on anyone's head.---Rodney Marsh

As with every young player he's only eighteen.---Alex Ferguson

As a boy I was torn between being a footballer and joining a circus. At Partick Thistle I did both.---Alan Hansen

If Everton were playing in my back garden I'd draw the curtains.---Bill Shankly

Alan Shearer is so dull he once made the papers for having a one in a bed romp.---Nick Hancock

In His Own Write/A Spaniard In The Works

I recently got myself a copy of John Lennon's In His Own Write and Spaniard In the Works in one handsome volume. I recall reading it years ago but had the desire to familiarise myself with it. I'm glad now that I did so. Whilst reading it I found my cynicism rising up inside of me. It's filled with Lennon's doodles, poems and short fiction, the prose conisting entirely of his own personal nonsensical style, namely changing certain words to one similar in pronunciation. It's obvious to me that these were only published because they were by John Lennon; similarly, Stephen King could have his shopping lists or his notes for the milkman published simply because they were his. If some unknown had produced this stuff and offered it for publication he might have ened up in some lunatic asylum; certainly not the Dakota Building in New York. Although amusing and enjoyable in places it is largely unreadable because of the nonsense prose style. However, I reckon it's worth reading if only to claim that one has read it. My opinion and I'm entitled to that! Here's a sample.

I sat belonely down a tree,

Humbled, fat and small.

A little lady sing to me

I couldn't see at all.

I'm looking up and at the sky,

To find such wondrous voice.

Puzzly puzzle, wonder why,

I hear but have no choice.

'Speak up, come forth, you ravel me',

I potty menthol shout.

'I know you hiddy by this tree'.

But still she won't come out.

Such softly singing lulled me sleep.

An hour or two or so

I wakeny slow and took a peep

And still no lady show.

Then suddy on a little twig

I thought I see a sight,

I tiny little tiny pig

That sing with all it's might.

'I thought you were a lady'.

I giggle - 'well I may',

To my surprise the lady,

Got up, and flew away.

Stories by Jeremy C Shipp

Here are couple of links to a couple of stories by Jeremy C Shipp.

Camp

Scratch

Here is Jeremy C Shipp's website.

Girls Aloud kidnapped, raped, mutilated and murdered!

British prosecutors have filed obscenity charges against Darryn Walker for writing a story and posting it on the internet. Walker — or at least, someone using the pseudonym Blake Sinclair — posted a story entitled "Girls (Scream) Aloud" to the Alt.Sex.Stories Text Repository (a free site which grew out of the Usenet group alt.sex.stories).

A civil servant who allegedly wrote an internet article imagining the kidnap and murder of pop group Girls Aloud is being prosecuted under obscenity laws.

The prosecution of Darryn Walker, 35, is regarded as a historic test case which could affect censorship of the internet.

Walker allegedly described the kidnap, mutilation, rape and murder of the girl band in a 12-page 'murder blog' posted on a fantasy pornography website.

Experts are claiming the action is one of the most significant obscenity cases since the trial over the novel Lady Chatterley's Lover.

Full story here.

Woman Beheads Attacker

A woman chopped the head off a man who allegedly tried to attack her and then paraded the head through a market in northern India, police said. Police arrested the woman after receiving calls from frightened witnesses who said a blood-soaked woman holding a severed head was walking through the village, said police officer Ram Bharose. The woman, 35, told police she had gone to a nearby forest to cut grass for fodder for her cattle when a man attacked her from behind. "In a bid to save her dignity she beheaded him with a sickle," Bharose said, adding that the woman had bite marks on her neck and cheek. The woman also told police that the man had been harassing and stalking her for three months and she had no regrets about killing him, he said, adding that she would probably be charged with culpable homicide. The incident took place in Makkapurva village, some 125 miles southeast of Lucknow, the capital of Uttar Pradesh state. LINK

New Emblem

Transcriptase

A writer recently made public his rejection letter from Helix science fiction quarterly co-editor William Sanders, which categorised Muslims as 'sheet heads'. Much debate ensued, and a few Helix authors withdrew their work. The irritated Sanders said they couldn't do that, asked for $40 per removal, and replaced pages with the message 'Story deleted at author's pantiwadulous request'. He also informed protesting contributor Yoon Ha Lee that hers was a story 'that never did make any sense and that I only accepted because I thought it might please those who admire your work, and also because (notorious bigot that I am) I was trying to get more work by non-Caucasian writers.' Some Helix writers and ex-writers have set up a rival online magazine entitled Transcriptase.

Lauda!

Yet Another Caption Competition

Holland Fans

Dutch football fans in Switzerland for Euro 2008 have been seen wandering on to railway lines. They were following railway workers whose standard orange reflective vests were mistaken for Holland shirts. For safety reasons the Swiss railwaymen changed to yellow vests.

New Beckham Billboard

David Beckham has stripped off for another steamy Emporio Armani ad campaign. The designers unveiled a new billboard in San Francisco in front of thousands of screaming fans. The giant poster shows David, 33, at the beach in a pair of super-tight pants. And he sports a sizeable bulge, just like the last ad which saw him reclining on a bed in white undies. The question remains... doctored or not doctored?

You think English is easy?

You think English is easy???

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP'
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car . At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixedUP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP .
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP, so........... it is time to shut UP!

Happy Birthday to the Tea Bag!

That's right... the tea bag is 100 years old this week. Can you believe it? Yet the typically English tea bag was actually invented by an American. New York merchant Thomas Sullivan confused his customers in 1908 by sending out samples of tea leaves in small silk purses. Unsure what to do with the strange little bags, the Americans dunked them in a cup of hot water... and the tea bag was born. Amid complaints that the silk mesh was too fine, Sullivan later developed sachets made from gauze. A major breakthrough came in 1930 when William Hermanson of Boston patented the heat-sealed paper fibre tea bag. For years they were viewed with suspicion in Britain, it was not until 1953 that they caught on over here. Here are some facts about the cuppa...

1. The average tea bag contains 3.125 grams of tea
2. There are only 2.5 grams of tea in a continental tea bag
3. 98% of people take their tea with milk, but only 30% take sugar
4. Tea is a natural source of fluoride which helps protect against tooth decay and gum disease
5. A cup of tea contains about half as much caffeine as a cup of coffee
6. Tea has potential health benefits in cardiovascular disease and cancer prevention
7. There are 2,000 perforations in the average tea bag
8. A tea bag used once and refrigerated helps reduce puffiness if placed on the eyes
9. Almost every conceivable shape of tea bag has been patented, including cylindrical
10. To make a proper cup of tea, pour boiling water on to the tea bag and put milk in last

Another Caption Competition!

Come on then, get your brains working, what's going on here then? Invent a caption for this image and see what fantastic prize you won't receive! It's just for the fun of it, okay?

The Motors 1

It has taken me almost 30 years to get my hands on the CD version of the Motors debut album '1', as it has taken all this time for it to be actually released in this format... and it is long overdue! Originally unleashed in 1977, this superb album contains a fine collection of high energy pulsating rock and roll, and was a big hit in those days of punk and new wave bands. Dancing The Night Away is the stand out track, a relentless and powerful slice of rock, six minutes of pure joy. The Motors' second album Approved by the Motors is good too, but different as it is more commercial than '1', and contains the more familiar hits Airport and Forget About You, which are played even today on some radio stations. I'm happy to share the amazing Dancing The Night Away, one of my all time favourite tracks. Enjoy it!

The Motors - Dancing The Night Away

Office worker goes crazy

http://view.break.com/513310 - Watch more free videos

Hell's Most Wanted

So which are you then?

How Many Five Year Olds Could You Take In A Fight?

7

OnePlusYou Quizzes and Widgets

Knicker Picker

Female Genitalia Bicycle Taxi

This contraption is actually the world's first pollution free bicycle taxi which represents female genitalia. You can climb into it and ride the bike. Artist (on the left) dislikes the current worldview which is filled with phallic symbols, hence the taxi. Whatever next I wonder?

Collidonthus

This is Collidonthus by Jitish Kallat, a 2007 mixed-media work that evokes urban mayhem with the skeletal body of an automobile. Isn't that the coolest thing on four wheels?

Spanish Comic Book Platform Shoes

Don't they look cool? Get a pair HERE. Only $750...

We Are The World performed by Japanese impersonators

Offensive Traffic Posts

Residents of an Oregon town are claiming that new traffic posts installed there are offensive. The City of Keizer is taking heat for installing a group of cement posts designed to protect pedestrians from cars, but which some say is a phallic symbol. A total of 52 of the posts were installed at a busy intersection in Keizer and they are getting a lot of second glances. Full story HERE. "My son said he wanted to hang a sign on it that says 'always use protection,'" claims one female resident.

Cutting Up Playgirl by Carrie Jones

Is this really Carrie Jones, the author of Cutting Up Playgirl? This work of non-fiction clearly states within its pages that 'Carrie Jones' is the pseudonym of some publishing executive, so if this is true why does she allow an image of herself to be displayed on the internet? Go here and here for further readings on this book, which seems to have stirred up quite a hornet's nest, it appears. The story is a revelation of the author's personal involvements with the opposite sex, of how she lost her virginity, and of subsequent boyfriends and relationships as she left school and went to Cambridge and spent years out in France and Italy, and beyond. She admits that the thing she gets the most from sex is that she has been 'chosen' by her partners, and that any other satisfaction from these couplings has not been experienced by herself in bed. Visit the links for a more intelligent and involved criticism of the book, however my own opinion is that despite this woman being now 45 years old she has not matured very well emotionally. She still acts like the teenager she once was, that's the way I see it. However, if the image above is really the author of the book in my eyes it makes it more believable. If the real Carrie Jones were some blonde big-boobed bimbo I would find it hard to believe that she lived such an 'ordinary' life.

Michelle Ryan has worst US accent

Michelle Ryan's turn as the Bionic Woman has won her top place in a poll of the worst attempts at US accents.
The former EastEnder, 24, starred as Jaime Sommers in last year's remake of the 1970s cult series before it was cancelled because of the US writers' strike. Eddie Izzard made second place for his role as Wayne Malloy in The Riches. Anna Friel was next for her performance as Charlotte "Chuck" Charles, who comes back from the dead in Pushing Daisies. Fourth place went to Hugh Laurie in his Golden Globe-winning role as Dr Gregory House in House. Lancashire-born Ian McShane is next for his role as Al Swearengen in Deadwood. The top 10 was completed by Essex-born Sean Maguire in The Class, Minnie Driver in The Riches, Joely Richardson in Nip/Tuck, Louise Lombard in CSI; Crime Scene Investigation, and Dominic West in crime drama The Wire. Helen Hackworthy, the editor of RadioTimes.com, which carried out the poll, said: "Just as Dick Van Dyke struggled with his English accent in Mary Poppins, so too are some Brits failing to pull off convincing American accents." Just over 3,000 fans were polled on the Radio Times website. Okay, this is all well and good, but who has the BEST US accent then?

Caption Competition

Here we go again... another caption competiton for no-one to enter! Isn't the internet a fantastic place? A surprise prize for the best caption to this one. A surprise if anyone provides a caption... LOL (as they say in chatroom-land).

It's football...!!!

Woman sits on toilet for two years...

In Ness City, Kansas, authorities are considering charges against a man whose girlfriend sat on his toilet for two years. Her body was stuck to the seat when he finally called police. Sheriff Bryan Whipple said it appeared that the 35-year-old woman's skin had grown around the seat, which had to be removed at the hospital. According to the boyfriend, the woman did not want to leave the bathroom. Full story here!

Caption Competition

Come on... someone enter this time! The funniest and best caption will receive a fantastic mystery prize. It's such a mystery that I don't even know what it is!

Natasha Hughes

Those who are not fans of women's football might change their minds upon seeing Natasha Hughes of Doncaster Rovers Belles. Above is Natasha in her kit... and below is Natasha not in her kit...

There's only one Natasha Hughes...!

Physio helps goalkeeper... amazing stuff!

Anna Kournikova's Tennis Shoes