Amusing Football Quotes

I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break a habit of a lifetime for that prat.---Ron Atkinson

England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's are also second to none.---Kevin Keegan

My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about seven.---David Beckham

After the match an official asked for two players to take a dope test. I offered the ref.---Tommy Docherty

A real Irish football fan is one who knows the nationality of every player on the Republic of Ireland team.---Jack Charlton

Southampton have beaten Brighton 3-1. That's a repeat of last year's result when Southampton won 5-1.---Des Lynam

One year I played for 15 months.---Franz Beckenbauer

We must have had 99% of the game. It was the other 3% that cost us the match.---Ruud Gullitt

The first 90 minutes of a match are most important.---Bobby Robson

It's not fair to say Lee Bowyer's a racist. He'd stamp on anyone's head.---Rodney Marsh

As with every young player he's only eighteen.---Alex Ferguson

As a boy I was torn between being a footballer and joining a circus. At Partick Thistle I did both.---Alan Hansen

If Everton were playing in my back garden I'd draw the curtains.---Bill Shankly

Alan Shearer is so dull he once made the papers for having a one in a bed romp.---Nick Hancock

In His Own Write/A Spaniard In The Works

I recently got myself a copy of John Lennon's In His Own Write and Spaniard In the Works in one handsome volume. I recall reading it years ago but had the desire to familiarise myself with it. I'm glad now that I did so. Whilst reading it I found my cynicism rising up inside of me. It's filled with Lennon's doodles, poems and short fiction, the prose conisting entirely of his own personal nonsensical style, namely changing certain words to one similar in pronunciation. It's obvious to me that these were only published because they were by John Lennon; similarly, Stephen King could have his shopping lists or his notes for the milkman published simply because they were his. If some unknown had produced this stuff and offered it for publication he might have ened up in some lunatic asylum; certainly not the Dakota Building in New York. Although amusing and enjoyable in places it is largely unreadable because of the nonsense prose style. However, I reckon it's worth reading if only to claim that one has read it. My opinion and I'm entitled to that! Here's a sample.

I sat belonely down a tree,

Humbled, fat and small.

A little lady sing to me

I couldn't see at all.

I'm looking up and at the sky,

To find such wondrous voice.

Puzzly puzzle, wonder why,

I hear but have no choice.

'Speak up, come forth, you ravel me',

I potty menthol shout.

'I know you hiddy by this tree'.

But still she won't come out.

Such softly singing lulled me sleep.

An hour or two or so

I wakeny slow and took a peep

And still no lady show.

Then suddy on a little twig

I thought I see a sight,

I tiny little tiny pig

That sing with all it's might.

'I thought you were a lady'.

I giggle - 'well I may',

To my surprise the lady,

Got up, and flew away.

Stories by Jeremy C Shipp

Here are couple of links to a couple of stories by Jeremy C Shipp.

Camp

Scratch

Here is Jeremy C Shipp's website.

Girls Aloud kidnapped, raped, mutilated and murdered!

British prosecutors have filed obscenity charges against Darryn Walker for writing a story and posting it on the internet. Walker — or at least, someone using the pseudonym Blake Sinclair — posted a story entitled "Girls (Scream) Aloud" to the Alt.Sex.Stories Text Repository (a free site which grew out of the Usenet group alt.sex.stories).

A civil servant who allegedly wrote an internet article imagining the kidnap and murder of pop group Girls Aloud is being prosecuted under obscenity laws.

The prosecution of Darryn Walker, 35, is regarded as a historic test case which could affect censorship of the internet.

Walker allegedly described the kidnap, mutilation, rape and murder of the girl band in a 12-page 'murder blog' posted on a fantasy pornography website.

Experts are claiming the action is one of the most significant obscenity cases since the trial over the novel Lady Chatterley's Lover.

Full story here.

Woman Beheads Attacker

A woman chopped the head off a man who allegedly tried to attack her and then paraded the head through a market in northern India, police said. Police arrested the woman after receiving calls from frightened witnesses who said a blood-soaked woman holding a severed head was walking through the village, said police officer Ram Bharose. The woman, 35, told police she had gone to a nearby forest to cut grass for fodder for her cattle when a man attacked her from behind. "In a bid to save her dignity she beheaded him with a sickle," Bharose said, adding that the woman had bite marks on her neck and cheek. The woman also told police that the man had been harassing and stalking her for three months and she had no regrets about killing him, he said, adding that she would probably be charged with culpable homicide. The incident took place in Makkapurva village, some 125 miles southeast of Lucknow, the capital of Uttar Pradesh state. LINK

New Emblem

Transcriptase

A writer recently made public his rejection letter from Helix science fiction quarterly co-editor William Sanders, which categorised Muslims as 'sheet heads'. Much debate ensued, and a few Helix authors withdrew their work. The irritated Sanders said they couldn't do that, asked for $40 per removal, and replaced pages with the message 'Story deleted at author's pantiwadulous request'. He also informed protesting contributor Yoon Ha Lee that hers was a story 'that never did make any sense and that I only accepted because I thought it might please those who admire your work, and also because (notorious bigot that I am) I was trying to get more work by non-Caucasian writers.' Some Helix writers and ex-writers have set up a rival online magazine entitled Transcriptase.