Boxing For Beginners

GLOVES Keep boxer's hands warm. So far they haven't adopted scarves, although amateurs do wear a kind of balaclava.
WEIGH IN There isn't one. You have to jump over the ropes.
ON THE ROPES You should have jumped higher.
BELL The pub where boxers drink.
ROUND What a boxer buys in the Bell.
RING Calling a boxer in the bell to remind him he has a match.
SPAR Where boxers buy booze if the bell is closed.
QUEENSBURY RULES Written on the Marquis of Queensbury's T-shirt.
TITLE BOUT When a marquis fights a count.
STANDING COUNT Opponent the marquis couldn't knock down.
UPPERCUT When a boxer cuts himself shaving.
CROSS What a boxer gets when he's hit.
RIGHT CROSS What a northern boxer gets when he's hit.
JAB Antibiotic injection necessary if Mike Tyson bites your ear.
THROW IN THE TOWEL Be sick after being hit.
ABA Trying to recite the alphabet after being hit.
WBA Failing.
TKO Even worse. Or Rocky Balboa trying to recite the alphabet before he is hit.
BLUE CORNER Location of a depressed boxer.
RED CORNER Location of a communist boxer.
CANVAS Asking the judges who won.
CONCLUSION All too often, panto.